I love you, maybe just a little too much. And it scares me. I’ve invested so much into this. Time, emotion, laughs, tears, my heart. I know we have something good. I know we’ve taken a ride on that emotional roller coaster a few times. But we always end up where we left off. We never let anything…
Inexistence.
This is for my daughter who has never breathed her first breath because instead of giving her life, I gave her death. This is for you, who I irresponsibly created due to my blindness of his intentions due to the consumption of alcohol that was the result of non abstention… this is for you. For you, who I would have devoted my whole life to, if at the time I was capable to, but in truth… I wasn’t. And I couldn’t find any other way to escape this hole I had dug myself into. This is for you.
I’m sorry for just allowing his admission, disregarding the consequences and conditions, “Do you have a condom?” “No.” Ignored the superstitions. I deserve these demolitions because I am the killer of my own baby.
Baby … mommy is sorry but sorry can never bring you to life. I should’ve been sober. I shouldn’t have let my hormones take over. I should have paid attention because if I did, I wouldn’t be here.. but you might be, replacing these visions that I periodically see of your smile, your hands that would be so small and fragile in mine. In you I envision seeing the finest of God’s design.
But I was struck with pain thinkin’ about the future, the 9 months, and the broke water, but it doesn’t compare to the pain of the choice I made to take away the life of my daughter. I never knew two people so quick to run from responsibility when the thought of the possibility that in the state of our minds being diluted with intoxication, we acceded to temptation, and then murdered one of God’s greatest creations. Destruction of my own reproduction as I agreed for them to stick the needle in.. length of 4 in.. 4 months in …
See you would’ve been 2, if us two didn’t decide to let go of you… but I guess this is God’s way of teaching me a lesson… unfortunately, it had to have cost me one of life’s greatest blessins.
This is for you who hears the music within my soul.. I’m sorry that I couldn’t play my role, and depleted my control. I’m sorry for depriving you of your bottle before you could taste it. This is for you, who due to my actions, your life I wasted.
I visit you when I’m asleep. In my dreams spills my soul and we’re together and my heart feels whole.. but the world is so cold when I open my eyes. Every morning I cry and ask myself why. Why did I take the life of my first born? Now forever broken and torn. How could I take your halo and turn it into a noose? How could me being the killer of my own daughter, become the truth? How could I have given you up when God had given you to us? How could I have broken my own daughter’s trust? How could I have prevented an angel, this world, from coming into? So many questions I’ll never know the answer to.
These are the reflections of a mother you never knew. As I seal it with a kiss, this is for the daughter who never came to exist. From the mother, all so rotten, the mother who loves you, and who has never forgotten.
(via yanrwtb)
I hate how, the last person I held hands with, kissed, turned my body over, is the same person. Sometimes, I just wanna kiss a random boy just so you won’t be my last kiss. I can’t blame you, but I WANT to but i can’t. Since I met you, you ruined it for me, everything, you turned me into this person I swore I’d never be. Your words, your touch it seemed all believable. Everytime you’d touch me I’d get goosebumps, It felt like I was a little girl again with that school girl crush. When I’d go to see you, it felt like I’m on vacation, where the whole world doesn’t matter. But vacations end, and when the truth came out, it hurt us. Your were like this bad drug, I couldn’t get rid of, all I wanted to do, when things got hard I’d go to you, when I didn’t feel worth it, I’d go to you. YOU MADE ME SEEM LIKE LYING TO MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS WASNT BAD. YOU PRETTY MUCH MADE IT SEEM LIKE, LYING WAS GOOD, but it wasn’t. You made this impact on me, you became my comfort zone when things went wrong with who I was with. Now,we don’t even talk anymore, or see each other. You think I mess with your head,when I ignore your calls or texts. BUT don’t you see it? It hurt being with you, more than it was supposed to. It hurt, being your secret. You don’t think I know,when you lie to me but I just play coy.
You called for the first time, it’s been awhile & I answered. You were surprised I even answered, you wanted me to hang out with you. You even said ” i’m not planning on trying anything so come see me”, but you don’t get it. I don’t think you’ll ever get it, I CAN’T SEE YOU, i’m not ready to. I was so caught up, in the excitement you gave me, that I was so blind sided to see the kind of person you are, maybe its cause your SOOOOOOOO damn good with your words, with your touch but thats all your good at.
Were probably not going to talk ever again, & I’m more than fine with it.
@2 years agocan you believe this is how I felt 11 months ago.
I fall for people that I shouldn’t, I fall hard and I fall fast and there isn’t enough venting or writing that will ever help me cope. I should’ve left you alone, I should’ve stopped texting you, calling you, because the truth is you didn’t want anything to do with me. I tried so hard to be what you needed, I tried so hard to make you happy. I guess the harder I tried to hold on to someone the more they wanted to get away. I feel like a criminal for having felt, for having wanted to be wanted. It confuses me because I think the feelings were wrong, In the end it makes me feel so small. It’s so hard to be strong, to keep it inside when you let it out, and it just never comes back. I couldn’t say what I had to say on the phone, because I felt held back, and everything I had to say i choked. I know you never cared about me, please don’t say you did because you didn’t it just hurts more that you convince yourself that you do. I KNOW, how am I going to tell you how you feel, because it’s true. You don’t see it, but I do. Don’t say you loved me, because you didn’t. You loved me because I was convenient, for the rides everything. I dropped everything for you, to bring you places I just wanted you to be happy, I wanted you to be happy so bad, I never wanted to get you mad.I dropped everything for you, and when it clashed with my plans, I’d drop mine because thats how much you mattered to me. I became that desperate girl chasing someone who didn’t want me, who didn’t care about me. I was begging for you to stay, I tried and I tried holding on. The harder I tried to hold on, the faster it slipped. and then you get that harsh realization that it’s over. I’ve never done so many things for someone in my life.I put so much time and energy into our friendship, in the end it seemed like It was all a waste. Don’t say sorry for what I did, for everything I’ve done for you because IT WAS MY CHOICE. It’s just how life works, even though we know we shouldn’t love someone, we do & I couldn’t help it, maybe there’s just a small number of people in this world who will get “get” us for reasons we can’t explain, even when they shouldn’t. I never thought I’d go through this feeling again, I swear to you, I don’t hate you. I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY, even if it’s not with me. I want you to be with someone who makes you happy. It would be nice if something would make sense for once. I knew what I was doing,I guess I knew you didn’t feel that way about me, I know you didn’t care about me the way I cared about you, I knew you didn’t love me the way I did. I knew and I still let it happen, because I figured that, just hanging out with you was better than nothing at all. So please, stop saying sorry because you didn’t know better, but I did. You don’t have to say anything back, i don’t expect anything. @2 years agoReblog and click the photo
HOLY CRAP SHE’S GORGEOUS :O
(via heyjanelrae)
REBLOG : This girl was found dead the morning after this photo was taken. She died of suffucation, and was found with a plastic bag over her head. She loved taking pictures of herself. It wasn’t until a week after she was killed, her sister found this on her laptop. Police investigations have no lead on her murder except for the man hidden in this picture. The mans identity remains unknown. If you dont reblog this in 254 seconds this man will appear in one of your pictures and kill you the same way she was.
(via bee-tee-nuh)
Young ladies have to realize that they can’t always turn a bad boy good or make him reconsider his foundational thoughts of his preconceived notions of love. The most you can do is stay loyal to yourself without compromising your entire nature for him. If you’re really concerned about where you…
Sometimes I get mad at myself for ruining what I had with someone, and turning my body over for someone else’s superficial touch. If only I knew then what I knew now, but it doesn’t change anything. Truth is, if I still loved him like I thought I did I wouldn’t have fallen for temptation, I wouldn’t have grown feelings for someone else,I wouldn’t have lied to him to see someone else. I’d constantly rather want to be with someone else other than him. Somehow throughout this whole 8 month period, I lost my self worth, I gave more than I had. It’s the type of person I am, I will always put others first, I will always care more about others than myself, and unfortunately I ended up putting others first, as my priority when they only held me as an option. They had me when it was convienant, whenever & however they wanted me they got it because I was so scared of losing something I NEVER HAD.
I’m sick and tired of playing coy, to what I know. I know everything.
I don’t regert puting others first, I don’t regret others taking advantage of me, I don’t regret letting meaningless guys get what they want, to later find out all they ever wanted from you was your pussy, I don’t regret none of that because they were exactly what I needed.
So I guess this is my karma, goodnight.
@2 years ago
